Juventus Old Boys 2 – 3 MPFC
With last weeks lack lustre performance behind them, the Middle Park men were looking forward to the long trip to the Stadio Olimpico with an almost full strength team. Training took on a new dimension as the prospect of lining up against del Piero and cohorts tempted the imagination of the local boys.
After training on Thursday, all eagerly awaited the transport instructions…would team Captain and organiser Dibbs arrange a private charter jet for the long journey to Turin? Surely at least exclusive use of the first class cabin on the Qantas A380! After all the team were taking on such internationally significant foe as Juventus.
Mr Dibbs picked his moment to break the news to the team, “Juventus have relocated” he said timidly “they’re now based in Doncaster”. “Oh and that’s Doncaster in East Melbourne, not the real one in Yorkshire”.
The 14-man squad were so disappointed by the news that by 11pm on the eve of the big match they had become a ten-man squad. The prize for the best excuse to drop out went to last weeks goal scorer Steve Houghton who “had a mothers day lunch”, which must have been by tele-presence as both Steve and Bec’s family are in Europe! At the last minute Dave (Helen) Cahill agreed to help out the team, even after playing in the reserves gruelling loss the previous day.
When the Juventus team finally took to the pitch of the Stadio Olimpico di Doncaster, it was apparent that the journey had taken its toll. “Alitalia isn’t what it used to be” they mumbled, groaning at the fact that it must have taken them 30 years+ to get to Australia from Turin, as they collectively sported more grey hair than a pokies club on pension day.
Despite their obvious age disadvantage the Juve men started well, their experience showing as the passed to each other’s feet and they let the ball do the work. Mocking this steady play, the Middle Park men wanted to show that they could still hit 40 yard balls and proceeded to loft the ball high into the open spaces down the two flanks. Not surprisingly this ‘open space’ remained that way, as whilst it is true that they still can hit 40-yard balls, it is also true that they cannot chase them.
Mid way through the first half as the Alzheimer’s drugs started to wear off, the advantages of relative youth started to show. The Juve Geriatrics midfield had forgotten that they were playing football and headed to the toilets to make castles out of their own faeces. Exploiting this temporary loss of lucidity, Adam broke away on the edge of the centre circle and charged towards the Juve goal. He deftly turned two players and sprinted to the edge of the box as the keeper came out to narrow the angle. Choosing his spot carefully, he slotted the ball perfectly into the far corner out of reach of the keeper. 0-1.
The goal gave the Parkers confidence and they dominated the play for the remainder of the half, Glen struck a powerful half volley at the top corner of the Juve goal, only to see Gianluigi Buffon’s granddad show that talent runs in the family, his cat like prowess reminiscent of Coach Wallace’s exploits between the posts…less the bad back, hangover and sexually explicit pre-match stories.
Just to prove that his first goal wasn’t a fluke, Adam scored again in an almost identical situation. 0-2.
The second half brought fresh legs, empty colostomy bags and new lucidity to the black and white striped Juve team. They moved the ball around as quickly as their 90-year-old legs would allow, until they were just outside the Middle Park box. The excitement of the opportunity proved too much for the central midfield linchpin and he collapsed to the floor, clutching at the control box for his pacemaker. Age had brought the Juve team many things, arthritis, weak bladders and hairy ears, but it had failed to bring them dignity and showed no loss of enthusiasm for complaining to the referee. Faced by a barrage of insults in an ancient language he didn’t understand, the referee blew for a free kick. Luca Toni (senior) stepped forward, stretched out his incontinence pants and eyed the Middle Park wall through his monocle. The run up to the ball seemed to be in slow motion (mainly because it was) and then the sweet right footed strike looped slowly over the wall and under the falling body of Emil, slipping into the bottom corner of the goal off the wet surface. 1-2.
Noting that the Italians were dangerous from set pieces, the gambling nature of the Middle Park men came to the fore and they decided to repeat the foul in exactly the same spot two minutes later, just in case. Again, Toni (senior) stepped up, his nurse disconnected the IV from the hanging frame and his steel toe capped boots glinted in the sun. Emil stared at the bottom corner, fully expecting a repeat of the same clever shot. Fifteen minutes later the run up was complete and Toni was over the ball. The slow flopping shot dipped over the wall in a deceiving manner straight towards the keeper’s hands. The dull thud of the ball against Emil’s hands snapped him out of his sleep, but it was too late, the ball trickled to the floor in front of him, just ready for the waiting Juve man to tap it home with an outstretched crutch. 2-2.
Dave (Helen) Cahill, appalled by the easy goal, promptly switched tactics from football to biological warfare. He ripped a deep gash into his head and aggressively sprayed blood around at on-looking Juve players “who wants some of this?” he said snarling at them. Two further Middle Park men were injured in the stampede as the black and white striped men rushed forward, shouting to their nurses to bring the transfusion kits, eager to get some of the youthful blood.
With only ten minutes to go, taking advantage of the rain quickened pitch and the distraction of the fresh blood, the Middle Park sweeper, Steve, found himself in a rare forward position. He weaved through two of the Juve men as if they were geriatrics (‘as if’), then struck a powerful low shot past the keeper into the bottom right hand corner. 2-3.
The game ended at 2-3 and Middle Park’s undefeated run was lengthened to two games…A deserved victory. The noisy clanking of WW1 medals and the brandishing of shiny dentures reflected the anger of the Italian men at the loss to the team they had previously tipped to be bottom of the league this year. The return fixture is scheduled for August, mortality permitting.
MPFC – team TBC
Scorers – Adam Ricciardi (2), Steve Willey.
