Collingwood City 2 – 2 MPFC
After solid pre-season preparations, it was finally time for the vets to take to the field for their first game of the 2011 season. The Alfred had been placed on standby and the early influx of Zimmer frames into the car park of Kevin Bartlett Reserve reflected the team’s eagerness to get started.
The scene in the dressing room echoed the same spirit; creaking bones were eased with arthritis cream and the voltaren tablets were shared freely between the players. Phil Dibbs had either mistakenly taken one of Graham’s blue tablets, or was very excited about the prospect of the upcoming match.
The game started at a steady pace, the Middle Park men were evenly matched in size and weight by the Collingwood team, although the latter were certainly leagues ahead in the sporting of 1970’s porn moustaches, led by their left back Ron Jeremy.
Middle Park soon took command of the game, their new white shirts perfect for disguising the sweat oozing from every gland, but failing miserably to hide the bulging mid sections. The smooth grass surface and the huge pitch were made for a fast and open game…but then again this was the vets. So the prospect of lightening speed passes and gliding runs was replaced by steady jogs and complaining about over hit balls.
Middle Park took the lead in the first half with a beautifully struck shot into the side netting from the edge of the box by Ice. This should have set the scene for a Middle Park massacre of the cast from Debbie Does Dallas (just the male cast unfortunately), but instead, inspired by the strategic mastery of Phil Dibbs and Graham Wallace, the team decided to trick Collingwood and Jeremy into a false sense of security by conceding not three minutes later. The set piece was clearly something they had practiced on set and Jeremy’s thrusting forward move showed that he has lost none of his prowess.
The second half started at the same pace, Jeremy’s men seemed to have fresh power following their pep **** in the changing rooms at half time from Marilyn Chambers. Their elation was soon dampened though by a surging run from Steve Houghton into the box. Looking sure to score he pulled back his right leg to fire home the shot, just as his right foot was about to make contact, the well lubricated Collingwood man slid in under him, using his experience of slipping into tight spaces well. The force of Steve flying through the air and then hitting the ground hard had the positive effect of waking up the referee, who, confused by the earthquake alarm, pointed immediately to the penalty spot. In the absence of the regular penalty taker Bob Franklin, and not one to pass up the opportunity to increase his goal tally, Mt Houghton stepped forward and deftly struck the ball into the right side of the goal…2-1 to the Middle Park Men.
Midway through the half Amrit decided to prove his worth as a club man by tripping the best player of the home team cheekily from behind. Seeing his opportunity with one of Jeremy’s men on the floor Amrit decided to show off his own moves, straddling the prone porn star waving his genitals above his head. Confused by the fall the Collinwood man did what all great porn stars do when confronted by a human orifice and thrust upwards. The young referee had no choice but to dish out the red card to both men and send them to the hot tub to finish what they had started.
The game was coming to a close with the Middle Park men on top and looking good for the three points. However, in a final twist the ball was lost in the middle of the pitch and quickly pushed down the right wing by the Collingwood team. Distracted by the magnificence of the forward’s moustache, Emil watched as the ball thumped into the back of the net…2-2.
The final whistle followed shortly after, the points shared. A full report on the after party will be orated by Graham Wallace in the changing rooms prior to the next game.
MPFC – Emil Matulic, Tarek Bhatti, Dibbsy, Dave McDowall, Amrit Parmar, Andy Webster, SSH, Darren Thomson, Dom Moran, Glen Cooksley, Ice, Brian Donleavy.
Scorers – Ice, SSH (p)
Red card – Amrit Parmar
